My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
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The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
eggs benadryl
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Cndnsd Mlk
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK