If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
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If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Natural selection at its finest
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”