There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
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Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top