has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
You Might Also Like
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.