I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
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BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
FRED: right
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.