[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
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My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
If you had more money you’d be happier.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse