So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
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my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
my dad has had enough
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.