I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
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Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies