My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
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I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.