One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
I thought I was losing weight but apparently I just forgot to tie my sweatpants.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
This lady at the Edible Arrangement store acts like no one’s ever asked for a corn dog bouquet before.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?