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@ashmensch : I thought I was losing weight but apparently I just forgot to tie my sweatpants.
@ashmensch: If you ever see me driving slow it's because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
@ashmensch: It's the remix to ignition,
I'm a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
@ashmensch: That's me, I'm the coroner,
That's me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
@ashmensch: [getting cremated]
Ahh, I've finally reached my ideal weight.
@ashmensch: If you want my body and you think I'm sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
@ashmensch: *Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
"Oh no! My research!!"
@ashmensch: This lady at the Edible Arrangement store acts like no one's ever asked for a corn dog bouquet before.
@ashmensch: *entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda's office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
@ashmensch: Silent Night,
All is calm,