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Page of ashmensch's best tweets

@ashmensch : I thought I was losing weight but apparently I just forgot to tie my sweatpants.

@ashmensch: If you ever see me driving slow it's because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

@ashmensch: It's the remix to ignition,
I'm a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.

@ashmensch: That's me, I'm the coroner,
That's me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.

@ashmensch: [getting cremated]

Ahh, I've finally reached my ideal weight.

@ashmensch: If you want my body and you think I'm sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.

@ashmensch: *Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

"Oh no! My research!!"

@ashmensch: This lady at the Edible Arrangement store acts like no one's ever asked for a corn dog bouquet before.

@ashmensch: *entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda's office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

@ashmensch: Silent Night,
Holy Night,
All is calm,
CORNDOG FIGHT.