Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
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I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
“TGIM!” – My liver
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?