*knocks on women’s restroom door*
You gonna finish that sandwich on your desk?
I wonder if when my dog follows me into the bathroom it’s cause I follow him outside when he goes and he thinks that’s how it works. Meh.
Pretty sure most of the people in coffee shops on lap tops are just writing letters to their parents asking if they can move back home.
YOU SHOULD BE CALLED JEHOVAH’S FITNESS! I yell as I lose my breath chasing them down the street.
Whole Foods Cashier: Do you have your grocery bags?
Me: Kidding? At $6 an apple you should drive them home and make an apple pie for me.
When I’m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
*boss at staff meeting*
Hey, do you have anything positive to add to this meeting?
Yeah, I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.
When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.
Her:How long before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”
Dr.:No one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.
13: Dad, What’s detour mean?
Me: Get a dictionary and look up tampon.