@astutenewf

*knocks on women’s restroom door*

You gonna finish that sandwich on your desk?

@astutenewf

I wonder if when my dog follows me into the bathroom it’s cause I follow him outside when he goes and he thinks that’s how it works. Meh.

@astutenewf

Pretty sure most of the people in coffee shops on lap tops are just writing letters to their parents asking if they can move back home.

@astutenewf

YOU SHOULD BE CALLED JEHOVAH’S FITNESS! I yell as I lose my breath chasing them down the street.

@astutenewf

Whole Foods Cashier: Do you have your grocery bags?

Me: Kidding? At $6 an apple you should drive them home and make an apple pie for me.

@astutenewf

When I’m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.

@astutenewf

*boss at staff meeting*

Hey, do you have anything positive to add to this meeting?

Yeah, I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.

@astutenewf

When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.

@astutenewf

Her:How long before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”

Dr.:No one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.

@astutenewf

13: Dad, What’s detour mean?

Me: Get a dictionary and look up tampon.