I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
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I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.