McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
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servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Best spot.. 😅
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?