Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
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When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Um … Hot Wings please
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming