I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
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Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now