Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
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Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
what’s the point then??
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
How to woo a woman
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Does your wife know you’re single?
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it