When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
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Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Here’s a meme
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”