@audipenny

“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye

@audipenny

So I’m just supposed to know that you can’t eat the outside of the pineapple, like I’m some sort of scientist

@audipenny

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

@audipenny

[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy

@audipenny

Me: look at this stupid thing lol

Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me

@audipenny

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

@audipenny

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

@audipenny

[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know

@audipenny

NOW HIRING: An employee

JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for

@audipenny

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him