If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
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“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Dune (2021)
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”