[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
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I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”