Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
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beware of dog
(jukin media)
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
thanksgiving in nutshell
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Jogging
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
no regrets
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.