Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.