I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
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bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Spell check is for lasers.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.