Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of aveuaskew's best tweets

@aveuaskew : But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat's mouth and ruin his yawns?

@aveuaskew: Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?

@aveuaskew: Ulterior motives? Please, I don't even know why I do things.

@aveuaskew: Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.

@aveuaskew: If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

@aveuaskew: My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I've been meowing out the window for 30.

@aveuaskew: Are you okay?
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

@aveuaskew: Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should've considered.

@aveuaskew: "Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?"

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.

@aveuaskew: Tell me I'm beautiful

"You're beautiful"

Tell me I'm a genius

"You're a genius"

Tell m-

"Just give me the toilet paper, please"