Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
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So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great