i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
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Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.