Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
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Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?