Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
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The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
This is my favorite one of these!
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.