When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
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Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
A sick whale is called an unwhale