@awkwardphilippe

[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]

Me: who do we eat first

@awkwardphilippe

[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard

@awkwardphilippe

PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage

ME: (clearing throat)

BRIDE:

GROOM:

PRIEST:

ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now

@awkwardphilippe

Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*

@awkwardphilippe

HER: I love Game Of Thrones

ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister

@awkwardphilippe

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

@awkwardphilippe

*walks in*

Nope!

*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry