I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
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Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
satan: not today, microsoft teams
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.