The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.