[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
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ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Good boy 😂😂
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.