I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
You Might Also Like
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
they really do be looking like this
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock