We need more people like this.
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Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
#parenting
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
the council will decide your fate
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.