@ayyyyloser

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

@ayyyyloser

How to handle a one night stand the next morning:

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

@ayyyyloser

Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?

-People who are about to piss you off

@ayyyyloser

“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”

-me as a babysitter

@ayyyyloser

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

@ayyyyloser

Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran

@ayyyyloser

Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper