you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
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me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.