I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
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SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
did it work
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
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Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.