Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
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*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back