Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
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If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.