My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
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“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…