I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
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Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
🤣😈🤣
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.