My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
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There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Don’t we all.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!