I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
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I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Love this guy
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
A choir of Spring onions
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834