I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
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A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”