Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
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I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster