I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
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looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.