I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
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Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
OH. COME. ON.
cats when you pet them too long:
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
drew a comic about my origin story
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no