I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
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[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right